So I have this dilemma.
What is it that I want?
Today is not that important, and tomorrow isn’t the issue either. What I’m more concerned about is the overall direction of my life. If I could see it on a map, what direction would it point? In twenty years from now, will I be in a place that I like, or will I be lost somewhere?
It’s easy to say something like follow whatever makes you happy. Happiness isn’t that simple, though maybe simple is a fast route to happiness.
I don’t even know if that’s true. I might just tell myself that because I’m afraid of the complex. I don’t want to face having to deal with life being a complicated unknown that looms darkly overhead and beckons. Is that really all that it is?
I like a lot of things. I like designing and inventing. I like being happy. I enjoy interacting with new people. I love working efficiently in a group. I love aspiring. Maybe aspiration is it. Maybe that’s what I want. But what if I never accomplish anything? Wouldn’t that be a problem?
Aspiring is fun, but shouldn’t the reward of progress or achievement be the more driving force?
And what if aspiration is it. What if that’s what I’m supposed to spend my life doing. Now what? Where does that leave me? Should I just pick random things and aspire towards them? What if I suddenly become successful, then what?
What else do I like.
I like business, but that’s just that creative, design, and aspiring thing again. I like cars, or at least think that I do. I like music and the finer things, although I can rarely relax enough to fully enjoy them. Usually I sit there and think of how amazing it is and how much I should enjoy it. And how much I would enjoy it, if only. . .
What comes next? We’re back at the dilemma.
How about money, what role does that play in all of this? Money is a factor by it’s very nature. It seems that pursuing money is an entrapment, yet ignoring it is to imprison oneself in an endless cycle of helplessness. It seems that only those with the means can make up their minds. Everyone else is bound by an invisible chain to constantly work against their will, or rather, beat their will into submission thereby instituting ones own demise.
If that isn’t a self defeating cause then I am really confused.
It seems balance is needed here. Where is balance anyway? Balance is like an older gentleman whom everyone could learn from but no one can seem to find. He comes and goes, sporadically it seems, with no apparent warning. It’s as though he seeks your utmost attention, and if you so much as glance away he disappears and is off to seek attention elsewhere. If only I could detain him for long enough to really learn something.
Although even if I did, I still wouldn’t know what I was balancing. Juggling would seem more relevant.
Yeah, that’s what it is. I’m juggling more things than my mind can keep track of, so every time something comes back I think it fell from the sky. Mindless of the very fact that I myself sent it on its trip, I admire it, ponder it, and send it off again, only to catch the next wonderful thing that is mysteriously falling from the sky.
Apparently juggling isn’t for those with whom attention to detail and focused concentration are of high importance. Maybe I’m in the wrong act. And yet, as marvelous of a realization that this may be, it still doesn’t answer the underlying question. Which act should I be in?
Finding what I’m not is a small step in increased understanding. I’ve said before that knowing what you aren’t helps you to discover what you really are. Now I wonder if that too is just an excuse. An attempt to appease. If I tried to answer a math question simply by stating all of the incorrect answers, I am assuming it would be an endless process. Quite literally infinite, as it were.
This not to say that I find it an entirely useless process. On the contrary I still think it is helpful, but only at the end of the equation when there are only a handful of solutions left.
Discussing processes isn’t helping though. I’m still where I started.
I’m still trying to elude my dilemma.
Answers maybe? I don’t think so, too finite.
Contentment? I’ve thought as much, but now I wonder. Wouldn’t contentment be after the fact?
Passion? It sounds noble. In many ways I think it is. Yet passionate would be more accurate. About what though?
Success? Yeah, that’s what I want, but that comes when the question is answered.
Back to the question.
What do I want?
Relationships? Those definitely are one of the most important things to me. There is nothing better than being with who you love, doing. . .
If only I could finish that sentence.
Sports? No, I get extremely frustrated and my body doesn’t like me for it.
Competition is good, but only in a positive and productive way. I strongly disagree with the concept that someone has to lose in order for someone else to win. If two people are competing to find the best way out of a jam, but they both reap the benefits, then who’s the loser?
I strive on that type of competition. Competing to win together. Ironic I guess, and yet delightful.
It is a start, and that is a beginning.
I want to compete to win together.
At what? How?
That brings up another dilemma. I love to compete for positive, but what am I good enough at to even be able to be a part of? I’m not an engineer, a lawyer, a designer, or even an artist. It seems as though everything is too complex for anyone to actually enjoy. The barriers to entry into every field and the demands in the fields take away any childhood perception of joy and excitement that people had to even embark on the long journey to begin with. I myself am currently in a great adventure as the saying goes. According to society, I am living a crazy and exciting life. Obviously, based on what I’m writing, it isn’t a fulfilling or enjoyable one. Time consuming though.
I am me. I want to compete. I want everyone to win. Well, not everyone. But the good people that are competing.
Ah, I have arrived at another nugget of detail.
Time.
I am not satisfied with long waiting and little input. I want to be a part of it and I want it to have feedback and results. I want it to be alive in a way, an entity that needs to be tended to. A sort of fluid and constant art form of management. Yes, that is definitely something. This is good.
Also, I love to dance. I love the elements of dance. Everything is combining and working together smoothly and the result is nothing short of excellent.
I now know that I want to compete together for a cause that benefits all that is good. I know that I want it to be steadily changing and giving feedback and reacting to input. I know that I want it to flow like a dance. A real dance.
This is good.
I want to be a conductor. Does that not exemplify all of those things? All but the competition perhaps, but that would depend on what I’m conducting.
Again I arrive at the what, but I feel closer. I’m getting excited actually. I think I’ve just learned a lot about myself. I want to be some type of conductor. I can’t even express how true this is. I love conducting. I love orchestrating.
